So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
