I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
