Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
