gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
