apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
