Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
