Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Farmville is her only friend.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
