So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
