It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
