I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
