i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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