Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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