One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
