And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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