Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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