we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
