Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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