im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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