I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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