Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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