Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
