the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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