Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
