You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
