Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
