some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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