...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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