just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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