all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
