Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Sober January is a disaster.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
