a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Quick, to the slutcave!
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
