I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
