dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
