Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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