Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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