why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
