you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
