I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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