Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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