I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i think i have two assholes
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
