From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
When are your genitals available?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
