i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
