last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
people are starting to question the shark bite story
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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