Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
We have started to decorate penises.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
