it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Randomize
