i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
We were destined to go to rehab together
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
