my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
