I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
