my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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