Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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