Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
