If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
