before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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