Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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