You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then he tried to convert me to islam
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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