Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
