The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
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