I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
