i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
