I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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