I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
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I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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